Whoa!

I have never been consumed by this aging thing. I am whatever age I am, and that's cool. I don't carry myself like a 40 year old, but this could be because my social development has been excruciatingly slow. Also because I feel like my 10 year failure of a marriage had me blinded to any personal growth for 10+ years. Who knows, who really cares? The point here is that today, I became painfully aware of my age. I've never thought about having children, never wanted any. Recently I've had discussions with two men who find that not wanting children would be a deal breaker in their relationships. Then I think, internally, maybe I could have a child. That's when the age thing flies up and slaps me in the face. My inner self says "At forty, you are too old to risk pregnancy. Too many issues could arise. The prognosis is risky at best". What?!?!?! Something I cannot do? What is this, my biological clock? Where did this come from? Someone stop that ticking noise!!! I was happy last week! Today I feel like a woman sitting at the edge of a grave, "just let me know when to get in, mmmmkay". All of a sudden, I think about babies, I think about relationships, and of course the big daddy...my own mortality.  Now it seems urgent that I find someone to love, there's not much time left you know! Who is going to want a woman in her forties that is unable to give a family? Here come the wrinkles, there go the teeth, here come the cats. Oh, the cats.